Tackle Football

The buildup is intense. The long summer of boring ESPN programing is just one more weekend away from the kickoff of college football. I could not be more excited.

Before too long we'll have NFL regular season, College football, Major league baseball playoff races, NBA and NHL preseason all on the same weekend... or, as I refer to it as, the perfect storm. While ESPN has been forced to follow regular season baseball, David Beckham and the various scandals throughout the summer, Bristol will have more highlights to enter their witty commentary than they will know what to do with. I could not be any more excited.

So, a few more days I will suffer through the Little League world series, regular season baseball and the NFL preseason until I can watch college football, and more specifically, BYU. Go Cougs. I am so excited.

Way Up North

Alaska, the great-white North. The largest State in the Union. In seven days I visited 3 cities and still only saw a sliver of the thing. I saw Ketichican, Skagway, and Juneau. Alaska is a big friggin’ place. I saw a whole bunch of wildlife, and ate a lot of food.



My ship was the Norwegian Sun, but I didn’t see much sun. It was cold, windy, rainy and not exactly what I thought a cruise would be. I did enjoy myself and I can definitely see the benefits of cruising. If a cruise down south were planned, I would most definitely be on board.



The trip really started out on a downer. My Aunt Jeannine planned the trip, emailed everybody countless times, followed up with everything, booked tickets and organized literally everything to get all 21 of us up there including my Grandparents, their children and grandchildren. A huge kudos goes out to her in getting this crazy crew of 21 together. My Grandma, after a few days on the ship was not feeling well enough to continue and finish the cruise. Jeannine, Dan and my Grandparents then got off the ship and flew home. Things like this just happen and you have to do what you have to do, but the whole family really missed all four of them for the rest of the vacation.

The ship sailed out of Vancouver. That is an awesome city in and of itself. I had no idea how big it was. It was cold and rainy there, but the clouds lifted enough to see the skyline. The only way that city could have been cooler was if it weren’t in Canada.

The first stop was in Ketchican. My brother and I got up early to go salmon fishing. The river we fished was way cool, and it was fun to throw a fly in Alaska. That fulfilled one of my things to do before I die. The only thing I guess I could have wished for, was fish to fish to. There were fish in the river, but they were further down from where we were. We tried to move down into another hole, but another guide with another group kept us from catching anything.

The highlight of that trip came while we were fishing a bear crossed a downed tree. I was watching my line, and my brother called out, BEAR! We all looked downstream and I snapped this shot. When I grabbed my camera and turned it on, the bear was just climbing onto the log. He was running at full stride, and I “bear-ly” had enough time to take the picture. Bears are cool, and I think that the black bears are best.




Its a good thing it didn't come close to me, because I would have brought out my mean face.





Other than the bear, the fishing trip was a bust. My other siblings went on a kayaking trip that day, and while the prospect of catching a fish in Alaska had a huge draw… we did get screwed.

The second stop was Juneau. I wish we had stopped in Juneau for longer. Juneau is the only state capital that has no roads in or out. In all of Juneau there is only like 92 miles of road total. Our bus driver/tour guide on our excursion was from Pleasant Grove, and was one of a large group of LDS boys working as tour guides this summer. That would be fun, for a few weeks. But I think it might get old pretty quick.

In Juneau I saw whales. Wow, whales are awesome. I saw them “bubble feed” which isn’t terribly different than when the Stripped Bass “boil.” They circle around the fish or shrimp or whatever they’re eating, then blow bubbles corner them into a huge circle and then they all surface and eat. I know that’s not the best description, but what we saw was about 13 whales surfacing head first all at the same time. It was pretty cool. They’d be gone for about 5 minutes and then all of a sudden BOOM 13 whales jumping. That was cool. I didn't get a great picture of it, but in this one you can see a few tails, a back or two and a bunch of puffs of air from the whales blow-hole.



The third day was possibly the most scenic. The town was Skagway and the boat stopped (in some ways regrettably) there for the longest period of time. Juneau would have been in my opinion the best city to be in for a whole day because of the variety of tours available there. Skagway was still very nice. My immidiate family and I went on a train up a huge glacial formed canyon saw a glacier, visited a gold mining town, panned for gold, had smoked salmon and visited a brothel museum. The brothel museum was an interesting experience. One sexual innuendo after another, after another, after another. These places tell the same jokes every 15 minutes or so, but everyone we were there with certainly thought that every joke was funnier than the other. I could only handle so much.




One great thing about this cruise was the food. My cousin Andi cannot eat gluten and the crew in the restaurants were so good to work with her. Other than that, my stomach hasn’t growled in a week. All day there was something to eat somewhere. Room service was apart of the whole thing, so my cousin that I roomed with, Brett and I ordered pizza just about every night.



Now that I’ve mentioned Brett I do need to talk about him for a little bit. This kid is a crack up. He’s going to be a senior this year at East and could go pretty close to anywhere he wants for college. He got some award from the Governor a few years back, and is just wicked smart. We roomed together and he nearly got me to spit milk out of my nose more than once. Funny kid.

The weather was good for most of the days I was off of the boat, but while on the boat there was a lot of rain and wind. One night my cousins and I were soaking in the hot tub and the weather was so intense it was nearly impossible to sit facing the wind without getting pelted in the eye with a 90 mile-an-hour rain drop. That made getting out of the hot tub even less appealing. We only got out when the guy closing the hot tub down for the night kicked us out.

The weather was colder than I anticipated, and even without my Grandparents, Jeannine and Dan the ship still continued to sail on, and the cruise turned out to be really fun. I would definitely recommend it.

Tastes like Chicken

I have been spending a lot of time on the golf course as of late. A lot of time. I wish I would have gotten into golf more as a little kid. If I would have been encouraged to work on my putting like I was to practice the piano, maybe I wouldn’t be as bad right now. But then again, a large part of the enjoyment I find in golf is improvement, the struggle and the psychology of the game.

My friends have created a wonderful tradition that I have been invited into recently, and I started at the bottom of the pecking order.

Every time the guys from Brick Oven, Parker, Trevor, Kyle and Ron play they keep score meticulously and write it down in a book to keep track of wins, and more importantly for this entry, losses. Later this summer we’re trying to put together a big trip down to St. George to just play golf all weekend long. Ron’s getting married in August and, not that married people aren’t invited, they just don’t have the money to do fun things. So I’m replacing Ron as Divorced Guy No. 2, playing second fiddle to Parker.

The winner is awarded “The Medallion.” Kyle is the owner of “The Medallion” right now. Until he plays, and someone beats him, it will stay attached to his bag. Winning “The Medallion of Victory” will also go into the scorebook to document the victory, which obviously will ensure an immortality of fame. Aside from that, the victor will be entitled to talk smack for the next long while. The direction of the trash talk may be focused at any player, but special concentration is typically centered on the loser, who gets the opposite of glory, which of course it unglory.

The loser is awarded “The Rubber Chicken.” The Rubber Chicken is also attached to the loser’s golf bag and cannot be removed for ANY reason until he plays and doesn’t lose. In addition to the shame of playing with a rubber chicken on his bag, and being forced to answer questions when playing with other people, the keeper of the chicken is the target of absolute scrutiny, and unbridled trash talk. Winning the Medallion I would have to assume, never winning the Medallion myself must feel like NOT coming in last and becoming the new, or continued chicken keeper.

Despite the considerable amount of money I have put into my golf bag this summer, and despite the drastic improvement of my game since last year, I played the worst game of the season and just missed a putt that would have prevented the “Rubber Chicken of Shame” from being attached to my golf bag, and so here it is in all of its shameful glory, “The Rubber Chicken of Shame.”



I spent an three hours after work today working on my short game… I am very motivated to get rid of this chicken before I go to Alaska on Sunday. Two guys asked me, “What’s with the chicken?” and when I answered they thought our tradition was funny. I failed to see the humor. I will not sleep well knowing I got whooped last time the rubber chicken was on the line. As the incumbent chicken keeper, I am working hard to rid myself of this humiliating embarrassment.

My New Room

Since March I have been living in the basement of my parents house in a room without a real closet. I just have been using the guest bedroom's closet for those things that need to be hung such as suits, dress shirts, pants and ties. I have gotten on without a closet down here, but walking up an entire flight of stairs was becoming to be a bit combersom. In addition to my slight case of slothfulness, my brother moved into the guest room and took up half of that closet and inspired me to put a wardrobe into my downstairs room.

In the initial brainstorm session, I thought a wire wardrobe bought at Wal-Mart or target would do the trick, but that would be too easy, too quick and too tacky. 3 months, a fresh coat of paint on the walls and 5 wardrobe boxes from Ikea (6 if you count the one I tried to set up by myself, exploded and fell on my foot... I don't count it, but you can if you want) later I have a new room, with more than just a closet, its an orginizational system. Here are some photos... and Guy, Lorien, Dallas... spare the gay jokes. I'm not gay.

Go Jazz Go!

This memorial day I went to the Jazz game. The first, second and fourth quarters were not fun to watch, but the third was great. If you have never been to a playoff game, you need to. Because they're awesome!

My buddies and I got the tickets off of a scalper website for fifty bucks each, and we were glad to pay it. Turns out, the tickets were on the very top row in the upper bowl. There could not have been a further away place to sit while watching the game at the arena. With all things considered, I'd do it again... in a heartbeat. More than worth the 50 bucks, and I would definately do it again.

While I was there I saw a flyer up against the wall behind my seat. I can't but help think about how effective marketing this flyer was. Who else to market good seats than those who are in bad ones?



After sitting on the back row I thought to myself, "Man I better get on next season's tickets....wait.... I'm not buying season tickets!" They almost tricked me into it though.

Clap

The end of the semester is here. Classrooms that had remained only halfway full through the middle of the semester are now full again like in the first week of class. It seems like the Daily Universe was saving several good letters to the editor for today, knowing it would be the last day to run anything controversial before everyone goes home for the holidays. Today's topics included a recent convert that was thanking BYU for confirming that mormonism wasn't technically a christian religion, someone complaining about the University's efforts and tactics in lowering student traffic related fatalities during the holidays and another person critisizing BYU for "worshiping" Gordon B. Hinkley by naming the new building after him before he passes away. Because we would never want to pay tribute to any of the brethern while they were alive after all.

But the most interresting thing about the end of the semester is the "Last Day of Class Applause." I don't qute understand this tradition's roots, and I am curuious if it occurs at other Universities. My only other experience with post-high school education wasn't at a university, it was at Utah Valley State College for a semester prior to my mission. I don't remember anything like this happening there, but I was only there for a semester, and nobody liked any of my professors, so that could have played a factor. My first class at BYU was a biology class during a Spring semester, and I sat there confussed with my deer in the headlights look as everyone around me dropped everything and applauded Dr. Robertson right after he bore his testimony.....this was something new to me.

Today I was thrown back into that same place as right as my New Testiment teacher had finished sharing his testimony with us, and right after we said "amen" the class burst into a thunderous applause. Is this going to be on the final? Will I be docked for not applauding? Is a bousterous applause college's equivillance to Elementary School's red apple? Is this a nationwide thing? What do they do at Gallaudet University? Doesn't it make more sense to applaud at the beginning of the semester rather than the end? By now there is probably little to be done to effect grades one way or another in most of these classes, so trying to gain your professor's favor is basically useless. Shouldn't applause be saved for someplace like a football game....? or....

Maybe next semester I'll incorperate more sporting spectator actions to gain the respect and love of my professor throughout the semester. Here's a list of things I could do:

1. Giant sign that reads: "Dr. Smith 3:16"
2. Giant foam finger
3. Sell popcorn, peanuts, and beer
4. Boo and Cheer and heckle other student's comments
5. Hire cheerleaders
6. Find out my professor's favorite colors and paint my face accordingly
7. Get a group of guys to paint letters on their bellies spelling out the professor's last name
8. Hold up a sign that encorperates the topic of the class using the letters ESPN, ABC, NBC, or CBS.
9. Heckle the TA with things like, "Are you blind?!? How did I not congigate that verb!!!"
10. On the last day of class, give the professor the traditional "Gatorate Bath"

I figure if professors like the applause on the last day, they'll love these antics.... my GPA should soar!!!

The BCS does it again

Well the computers have done it again. Ohio State will play a Florida team that many people do not think should go to the National Championship game. Did the computers make the right call? The only real way we can know is to play a playoff.

In recent years the mid-major conferences(the MWC, WAC, MAC, Conf. USA, etc.) have produced teams that show up in the top ten, and deserve a chance to dance with the big boys. With the new BCS rules, mid-major conferance champions who rank higher than 12 in the BCS poll can be eligable for a BCS game. Boise State crashed the party this year, and was the first to take advantage of this new rule. In 2004 a team from the MWC, I forget exactly who it was, went to the fiesta bowl and tattoed Pittsburgh, the Big East champion.

So, like many of the Sportscenter pundits, i too propse a play-off. a 16 team, 4 week play-off that ensures the national championship the integrity and respect of other NCAA sanctioned sports. Football is after all, the only sport the NCAA sanctions, that it does not sponsor a national championship.

In my tournament, each conference is given an opportunity to play. If a team ranks in the top 25 of the BCS poll, and wins its conference, they are eligable for the tournament. There are 11 conferences, but two would not have qualified this year. This would require each conference to come up with a true champion, and no shared championships. There are 11 conferences, but two would not qualify this year, because they were not in the top 25. So the 9 conference champions, and 6 at large teams would battle it out for the National Championship. I would have 2 Brackets, and 8 seeds each bracket. Seeding would be based off the BCS rankings. This year the first round matchups would look something like this:



The tournament like any tournament could go any way.


Play these games at the home sites on December 16th, then the second round again at home sites on December 23rd. The third round would be at BCS cities, on January 1st, and then the National Championship game two weeks later on January 9th.

Its what needs to happen. Football is too great a sport to not have a real Champion crowned every year.

Forever in Blue Jeans

At the end of July I got a new job at UPS. Its a great job. I get paid pretty well, great benefits and get a great work out every night for three to four hours. Consiquently, I am in the best shape I've been in for the better part of five years. The problem with this is I have lost 15-20 pounds since last winter and now none of my pants fit. Because of my recent Anna-Nicole trimspa transformation I have been shopping with Anne for a new pair of jeans that fit. Finding a pair has not been easy.
We were been trying to replace the one pair of jeans i do have that she likes. They were Levi brand...apparently frowned up on by the Nordsrom shopping, name-brand community. The most I had ever spent on a pair of jeans was 40 bucks at American Eagle. I was willing to put down a few bucks on a good pair of jeans if it fit right. So we started looking. We looked at stores like Buckle, Banana Republic, Nordstrom, Gap, American Eagle and found little that looked very good. I tried on really expensive jeans like Sevens and Citizen of Humanity, but nothing fit right. Now those jeans are a size too big. The jeans I tried on ranged from 60-120 bucks a pop.

I tried on all sorts of types of jeans. Slim fit, streight leg, tight fit, boot cut and relaxed. I learned a lot from trying them on, but none of the jeans "looked good" according to Anne. I would try on a pair, walk out of my dressing room and she'd look at me and say, "those are ok..."

"Those are ok..." is roughly translated to, "yuk, you look terrible." At first when she said, "those are ok," I responded, "Sweet! we found 'em let's buy them!"

No such luck. shopping is a bit more complicated than this.

We were at Macy's and we decided to try on a pair of Levi brand Jeans. 30 bucks...fit like a glove.

I am cursed to buying cheap jeans for the rest of my life.... and I couldn't be happier. Only if Anne was blessed with this same curse...

Hampplesauce

The longest I’ve sat in the testing center is three hours. People may have taken longer. I would not wish it upon anyone, but I suppose it is possible to take a test for four hours. The longest I’ve gone without eating a bag of potato chips is somewhere around two and a half weeks. I am curious why students must open loud bags of chips to hold them over during tests. Are they that hungry?
Today I sat in the music room of the Testing Center and the quiet ambiance there was rudely interrupted by the crackle of a bag and crunch of a chip from a student in the seat furthest from me.
I do not fault the ignorant students for their blunders. If the Campus Vending Services supplied the Testing Center vending machines with more ‘quiet foods,’ test-time chip crunching might be diminished. Quiet foods such as fruit snacks, or astronaut foods in tubes (such as ham and applesauce or “hampplesauce”) would help. This would allow those who never broke the sacrament meeting cheerio habit to silently consume their treat like a phantom in the night, and me to take my test without more frustration than necessary.

Greater Purposes of BYU

The HBL Library has six floors filled with large tables for two reasons. First, students have a great facility for studying, and second, for picking up on girls. There are a few strategies in finding your eternal companion through this medium. One is to stand back, and wait for a seat next to a girl to open up, then take a chance. This is slow, and has produced little fruit. More radically is to draw them in. Leave a book unattended at the table to save your seat. Stand at the nearest stairwell and pretend to talk on your cell phone while watching your table. Wait until a cute girl sits down at your table, then return. Spark up a conversation and you’re in.

The third way is to find an empty table, and wait for them to come. I was waiting for Ms. Right today, throwing out the vibe, when another guy moved in and sat right across from me. Moments later Ms. Right walked by and chose another table. My play was flawless, but this guy ruined it for me. Guys should be more aware of what is going on around them, and understand the greater purposes of BYU.

Wear Orange

Most students may walk about unaware, but in the bushes there are vicious beasts waiting for the right moment to attack. According a letter dated October 27th; the “Campus deer problem” is getting out of hand, and needs to be addressed before someone gets hurt. Currently, the “Deer Mauling Count 2005” is steady at a whooping total of one close call.

Deer have come down from the Y Mountain to BYU for years to feed on the flowers, and bother students unceasingly. Years ago I saw several deer jump across 900 East late one night into the MTC, a whole pack of the monsters probably going to attack some unsuspecting Elder, or BYU coed.

The truth is, there is no way to “take the problem of deer on campus seriously.” Short of supplying campus ground crew members with crash orange and .30-30s, or releasing real live cougars (not just you and me, but real mountain lions) on campus to deal with the pesky deer, I don’t see a tactful solution to it. I suppose we’ll just have to press forward, and allow our brethren to be mauled and trampled by them ruthless deer, and find something else to complain about.